


Phan One Shot Collection

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, One Shot Collection, Phanfiction, YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-23 08:42:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6111166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of phan one shots! Some very well written and some very shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Finally

Everything was so lovey-dovey at first. He would always whisper sweet nothings in my ear whilst we cuddled and watched films and drank lattes. He was always there to hold me if I got scared and tell me it'd be okay.

We did everything together, went everywhere together, we were basically joined at the hip.  
We were no longer separate entities anymore, we loved each other so much we became one person.

Or so I thought.

It all started when he began distancing me from the rest of my family. He told me that they were bad for us and didn't think we should be together.

At the time all of the things he said made sense. I wanted him forever so I did what he wanted.

I cut off contact with my brother and parents and friends so it was just me and him. He said it would make us happier.  
And I believed him.

Then he started drink more than usual. He knew that drinking made me uncomfortable and we only ever had wine once in a while but this was a whole new level.  
He would come home and smell like sweat and alcohol. He stumbled and was flushed and had a slick grin on his face.

I asked him what was wrong and his bight blue eyes would go all angry and dark. It wasn't so bad at first. He would only shove me and tell me to piss off and stomp upstairs.

I always thought that it was just the alcohol that made him so happy and loopy when he would first come home, but I know now it was because he just fucked a random woman.

I would cry for hours in the night and then when he woke up I would care for him and clean him. He told me it was all his fault and he'd never do it again and apologized profusely.

And I believed him.

He didn't do it for another two weeks but this time he walked in and shoved me up against the wall and started roughly kissing me. I didn't like it. His sweaty hands made my hair go curly and he smelled like someone else. All I wanted was for everything to go back to the way it was before. When we were both young and innocent.

I shoved him off me and told him that I didn't feel like it now. Well he did.

Before I could comprehend what was happening he slapped me and told me I was worthless. He said that he regretted ever meeting me. He said everything was my fault. All of the problems and the bills and his drinking and cheating was all because of me. He then shoved me to the ground and told me one word before walking upstairs and locking the door on me.

Worthless.

And I believed him.

Everything just got worse. I slept downstairs every night. I never left the house and was constantly walked around like I was stepping on eggshells.

I was always in fear I would do something wrong and he would hit me and insult me again.

After the first incident he never apologized again. Everything was my fault. He would come home most nights and be drunk. Insults would be thrown. Faces would be hit. Memories would be damaged.  
And after one night I would never be the same.

He came home drunk like every night but this time instead of just slapping me and telling me how useless I was he decided I needed a different punishment.  
As if my boyfriend hating me along with hating myself wasn't torture enough.

He pulled me upstairs for the first time in months. Not in the loving way I remembered with kisses and arms around necks and giggles and moans about how we would never leave each other.

Soon enough he was ripping the clothes off of me. I screamed and kicked and cried and reached for a phone on the bedside table. I had just enough time to click it open and pull up contacts when he slapped it out of my grasp and chucked it across the room.

He continued to hit me muttering things like, 'I wanna here you scream like that more' and 'take it like the faggot you are'.

He was hurting me more then any slap could ever do. This was such a raw thing meant for someone you love and now it was the ultimate invasion of trust and our entire relationship.

Or what was left of it anyway.

He would force me to deepthroat him and he would slap me while he roughly fucked into me. It was the worst day of my life.

Afterward he just passed out and that's when I would pull on boxers and a tshirt and crawl out the door into the bathroom sob until I passed out.

I would wake up around 9ish so I would have 2 or 3 hours until he would awake and the cycle would start over.

I decided to do something I hadn't done in years. He help me out of it and I was happy for the first time ever. Those times are over now and I'm worse than before.

I looked under the cabinet and searched for something I haven't needed in 3 years. Three whole years we've been together and after all of that he keeps me like a toy to poke at and play with.

I took out a shiny metal object and sighed in relief. If I couldn't find one it would make things a lot more difficult.  
I brought the razor up to my arm and made jagged lines.

I am disgusting.

I am worthless.

I'm pathetic.

I am fat.

I am ugly.

I am weak.

I am unclean.

I am repulsive.

So many other things.

I deserve all of it.

The blood dripped down my arms and I felt relieved like I haven't felt in 8 months. Before all of this started.  
The blood pooled around my arms and the metal fell onto the floor with a loud 'chink'.

And that's how the days went for months and months on end.

I would be alone, constantly breaking down on the inside and the outside. He would come home drunk. He would hit me. He would call me disgusting. On some occasions he would be too tired to force me into bed and I would spend that time wishing I could just escape the house and throw myself off a bridge.

He never seemed to mind the cuts when he was defiling me. In fact, I think he was happy that I was so broken and hurt. It made him feel even stronger and more powerful over me.

I always wondered what happened to the man I fell in love with. The man that fell in love with me. The man that would calm me and rock me back and forth whilst singing sweet nothings in my ear.

Are these even the same people?

I wanted to die. I needed to get out and death was the only way.

Or so I thought.

It came from a knock at the door.

*present tense*

The sound of the door startled me, ever since he forced me to cut off contact with the rest of my friends and family I hadn't seen anyone.

He is at work right now so I was just sitting alone in my room. When I heard the sound came I almost thought I was hallucinating. I wouldn't have been the first time either.

I got on a pair of black jeans and brushed my hair so I looked less zombified and dead.

When I finally swung the door open I was met with my guardian angel.

My old best friend.

"Dan!" Phil screamed and pulled me into a tight hug.

I somewhat winced at the force on my tired body and cut up arms. Phil didn't seem to notice.

"Oh my god Dan how have you been? I was nearby so I thought I'd stop by! I haven't seen you in forever!" Phil squealed again holding onto me.

"I guess I've been fine..." I trailed off not really knowing what to say.

'Oh yeah Phil, my boyfriend has been abusive in more ways than i can count and I haven't eaten a proper meal in 6 months and my arms are covered in cuts and scars and my body is bruised! I've been doing just dandy!'

That wouldn't go over too well.

"So uh... What are you doing here? Not to seem rude or anything... Just curious." I said somewhat shakily. Everything I've been through has caused me to wince at the slightest of loud noises and never want to talk back.

"Oh no it fine, I just thought I would see how you're doing. You know, no one has seen or talked to you in awhile. A lot of people have been wondering where you and him went off to." Phil chuckled softly but had a distant sad look in his eyes.

At the mention of him I tensed and shook. With the thought of him in his head all he started to think was of scenarios where he would barge in and punch and kick me and hit me and call me useless and-

I was cut off of my train of thought by Phil shaking my shoulder roughly shouting, "Dan? Dan? Are you okay? What's going on?"

I flinched at his words and backed up instinctively.

"No no no no don't hurt me..."

I can't stop myself from feeling like I'm in danger and trying to get out.

It's just my body's instinct now.

"Dan! Dan! What wrong?!" Phil started coming towards me and then all rationality went out the window.

I wasn't with Phil anymore. I saw Greg and he was going to hit me.

"Why are you here? What are you going to do to me? No! No! No

No no!" I didn't want this anymore. He can't keep hurting me. I don't understand Greg.

Phil looked up backed up from me and whispered, "Dan, what's going on? Has Greg been doing anything?"

Phil's soft voice seemed to get me to become more aware of my actual surroundings.

"Phil? What happened to you? Where did Greg go?" I asked him, my voice trembling.

Phil gave me a shocked and saddened look and just said, "He was never here Dan. I've been here the whole time."

I didn't understand. Just one second ago he was coming at me a forcing me up against a wall.

"Why are you lying Phil?! I've had people lie to me so many times! Why you too?" I pleaded.

"Dan let's just leave okay? You don't have to see Greg anymore..."

"No no no!" I screamed. "He'll find me! He will find you! He'll always find me and hurt me! Why Phil? Why do I deserve this?!" My voice quivered and my body shook.

"Dan you don't deserve this... It's okay... He won't find you. I'll make sure of that Dan." Phil tried reaching for my shoulder but I flinched and pushed him away.

"NO MORE!" I burst out.

"Dan, I'm sorry i didn't mean to..." Phil replied, afraid of my sporadic outburst.

"I-I... I ca-an't h-handle this anymore P-Phil..." I started hyperventilating. I shut my eyes tightly and dropped to the ground, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Dan... We can leave. Greg won't hurt you. I'll take you home... You'll be fine." Phil tried reassuring me.

"Then how do I know you won't hurt me too?" I croaked out.

I've been too beaten. Too broken. I can't take this anyone. Someone let me go. Why do people keep taking advantage of me and breaking me? What have I done to deserve this?  
"Fine," I sighed out, "Take me away from here. Kill me. I wouldn't really care Phil. Just don't let me live."

Phil probably thinks I'm absolutely insane now. I guess that's not too bad and now I can leave and throw myself off of some high place or something.

I just want it to end.

"Dan, you are not going to die. You are going to leave this house and get help and be loved and happy and calm life is going to be okay. Let's just leave." Phil begged with watery eyes.

Phil picked me up bridal style and started carrying me out the door.

"Dan... Phil sighed out, "You're so thin... I can feel your ribs through your shirt."

"No it's good Phil. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. I don't need to eat." I told him flatly.

"Dan you're so beautiful ... But you need help. And I'm going to get you that." Phil told me soothingly.

But I was too beaten and tired to understand that he was taking me to a hospital and away from this place forever.

Phil carried me out the door and down the flights of stairs. Soon enough we he was walking to his car.

"Phil..." I croaked out, my mouth so dry and rough from the lack of water and the incessant blowjobs Greg forces me to give him.

"Yeah Dan?" Phil asked curiously yet cautiously.

"Where are you... Taking me?" I said without energy. I haven't slept in about week and I'm on the verge of losing consciousness right now.

"To get help Dan. You need it. I'll be with you every single step of the way. I want to make sure you get past this." Phil told me with care evident in his voice.

He placed me in the passenger seat of the car and started driving. I'm pretty sure I passed out because before I knew it we were at the hospital and Phil was carrying me in.

When we got closer to the hospital Phil's facade started cracking and he began to look nervous. He walked up to the front desk and at this point I was seriously slipping in and out of consciousness. All I heard was bits and pieces of 'yeah I'm pretty sure he's malnourished' 'he's been through some rough stuff' 'I only found him about an hour ago' 'No no no no he's just my best friend...'

I felt something wet on my arm and when I looked down I saw red painting through my jacket. I guess some of my cuts opened up while I was being carried or something.  
I didn't do anything about my bleeding; I deserved it anyways.

But Phil thought differently.

"Dan?! Dan! Oh my god! Nurses! Doctors! He's bleeding!" Phil yelled frantically.

"Dan... You've got to stay with me. Don't close your eyes. God! Why didn't you tell me how hurt you are?! I can't lose you Dan!" Phil pleaded with me.

My vision began to blacken. Everything was slipping in and out of focus and before I knew it I was on a gurney being wheeled into the emergency room.

And everything was black.

 

 

*beep*  
*beep*  
*beep*

"Doctors! He's awake! Dan? Can you hear me?!" A voice that I immediately recognized as Phil's said loudly.

His hair looked disheveled and messy and his ocean blue eyes were red and puffy. He's obviously been upset.

So what happened?

"Yeah I can hear you, just stop shouting. Where am I anyway?" I ask confused.

I don't remember anything that should've put me in the hospital. Although I do remember seeing Phil running around with a stressed look on his face and me... On a gurney...  
"Do you really not remember Dan?" Phil asked sadly.

"Well I can see snip its of you carrying me, doctors, me on a gurney, passing out, some weird things you said..." I told him groggily.

"Dan..." Phil sighed out, obviously stressed. "You went through a lot of traumatic things. I don't think you want me to repeat them to you. You'd be best if you forgot them."

"Well what if I want to know what my own life has been?!" I asked Phil harshly. I didn't mean for it to come out so rude but I'm confused and disoriented and I just want to know what happened.

"Okay Dan..." Phil said defeated. "Well... You... Your boyfriend Greg used to hit you and insult you and force you to do things you didn't want to. I went to your house because I missed you and hadn't seen you practically since you guys started dating. When I saw you, you were covered in bruises and cuts and were so so skinny. I immediately noticed but I didn't want to alarm you so I tried to tell you to leave Greg but you got really upset and told me you wanted to die. I quickly realized the extent of what he had done had affected you dangerously so I carried you to my car and took you to the hospital. Once we were there for about 15 minutes I noticed your arm was bleeding and not long after that you passed out. You've been asleep for about 36 hours."

I looked down at my arms and saw hundreds of red and white marks going all down my arms. There were bruises and purple blotches. Even further down I noticed that I was extremely skinny. I can see the outline of my ribs and bones. My skin looked deathly pale and paper thin.

I couldn't believe everything he'd just told me. But what I couldn't believe more was the fact that I forgot all of that.

Some flashbacks started to come back to me and I saw scenes of Greg hitting me, calling me worthless, cutting, all the terrible things that have happened to me.  
Hot tears streamed down my cheeks and slid down my shirt.

"Oh my god Dan. I shouldn't have told you that stuff. I'm so sorry." Phil said, his voice cracking.

He wrapped his arms around my fragile frame and ran his hands through my hair. I put my head in the crook of his neck and breathed in his sweet smell of raspberries.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this was happening Dan? You could've left at anytime and called me. Why didn't you?" Phil asked me, sounding hurt.

"I really don't know Phil." I told him haphazardly.

"What do you mean Dan? How could you not-" I cut off Phil.

"I don't know because when I was in that toxic environment no matter what rationale told me that if I called the cops on him I could get out or I literally could've left at anytime, I always felt like Greg would find me and hurt me." I told him quickly.

"Well he's gone now. He's gone forever. After you passed out I was literally so furious with Greg and how could he do this to you! You deserve so much better and-"

"Phil's that's really sweet but get to the point." I told him flatly.

"Anyways after you passed out I called the cops and told them what happened and the things he had done and they told me 'they found him at a local bar and apprehended him'. He's going to be in jail for a long time." Phil told me smiling.

I couldn't help but still have the doubt that Greg would get out and come get me and I'd be helpless to stop him.

"Phil where will I go? I'm all alone and I can't take going back to that house and the house is in his name anyways..." I asked him anxiously.

"I thought about that Dan and well for now... You could stay with me?" Phil asked me skeptically.

"Really?" I looked at him hopefully. I need a best friend now than ever and Phil has and always be there for me.

"Of course Dan. You mean more to me than you could ever understand so... Yes. Definitely." Phil said with his deep blue eyes filled with care.

"Thank you so much Phil. You have no idea how much that means to me." I said suddenly grabbing him when wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders tightly.

"It's okay Dan." Phil said soothingly, "What kind of friend would I be if I left you alone in a time like this?"

Phil then gently lied us down and I instantly fell asleep.

*time skip of like a week*

After about a week of tests and regulating my eating and therapy I was finally able to be checked out by Phil.

"Dan are you sure you are okay with staying at my house? I would understand if you just wanted to live alone or maybe you'll be annoyed by me..." Phil asked me anxiously.

"Phil it's fine. You're the only person I would want to live with." My cheeks heat up and I can feel the blush all the way up my face.

"Okay well let's go then and you can start a better life... With me." Phil grabbed my hand as walked to his car and towards a brighter future... Together.

**3 years later**

Over the last three years everything has gotten insurmountably better. Phil really has been with me every step of the way. I always thought that eventually Phil would get tired of me or kick me out but that never happened.

For around half a year after I moved in I would have break downs constantly and would never leave the house. Phil always rocked me and tell me everything would be okay.  
He wiped away my tears and held me while I screamed into my arms. Also, he always came with me to my therapy sessions and was constant support.  
I am so happy now and it's all thanks to the beautiful man with the black hair and the blues eyes who saved me.

And it was about to get so much better.

I was sitting in the lounge one day watching Doctor Who when Phil walked in looking better than ever.

Over these last years Phil has always been there for me, calling me 'perfect' and 'beautiful' when I would cry. I have kind of developed a crush on him. It was insanely hard not to fall in love with Phil Lester.

We would cuddle and sleep in the same bed when I would have nightmares. He makes breakfast and we go out to lunch together (I like to call them dates but I would never tell him that).

I know Phil will never fall for me though. I've been through too much and I'm unclean. I would never come near me if I had a choice.

"Hey Dan... Can I talk to you for a minute?" Phil asked me nervously.

Oh no this is it. He's disgusted by me. This is the end. I'm going to live on the stress. I'm going to die.

"I know what you went through and you might never really heal after a traumatic experience like that... But... I don't know how to say this..." Phil laughed anxiously

"Okay. I knew this was going to happen eventually. You got tired of me. I'll get my stuff and be out by the morning." I said quietly, my voice cracking.

"No no no! How could you think that?! I could never out the person I love!" Phil screamed.

Wait.  
What.  
Loved?  
Loves?  
Phil... Loves me?

"Phil what did you just say...?" I asked him, hesitation leaking through my voice.

"Shit. Wait. Dan, I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to come out. I just... I'm sorry." Phil rushed out. His eyes were watery and wide with fear.

"Phil did you mean what you just said?" I asked him trying to not make my voice sound hopeful.

"Yes I'm sorry Dan. I'll leave. I know you probably don't want a relationship and even if you did you wouldn't want to date someone like me-" He was silenced with a kiss.

My hand went to hold Phil's neck for support and I felt his hand run through my hair. Sparks flew and I felt like I was floating. The kiss was slow and soft, not rough and heated.  
Even though I was the one who initiated the kiss he took the lead and led us through.

When we broke apart for air the only thing Phil said was, "Why did you kiss me?"

I couldn't stop smiling and before answering I pecked his lips and said, "You told me that I wouldn't want to date someone like you and I needed to prove you wrong."

"So is that a yes?" Phil asked hopefully.

"A yes to what?" I asked him. What did he say?

"Oh god sorry!" Phil laughed at himself, face palming. "Will you be my boyfriend?" Phil's eyes were wide and scared but he took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles.

"Yes you idiot. I've liked you for ages." I smirked at him and brought our lips together once again.

The kiss was slow and passionate, nothing like what I was used to with Greg. Phil cared for my so much and I was so lucky he was now my boyfriend.

I'm with the best man ever. In the best flat ever. I've gotten over so much with Phil by my side. Just like he promised.

"I love you," I looked into his eyes and was met with only love.

"I love you too Dan I'm so glad you're with me now. I wouldn't want anyone else to fall deeply, madly, in love with." Phil kissed me one last time before laying us down on the couch and letting me snuggle into him, just like all those years ago at the hospital.

I'm finally with the person I'm mean to be with forever.

And I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.  
  



	2. Silly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil likes to sit on the roof of his flat and look at the stars. Dan (his neighbor) sees him freaks out, thinking Phil is going to jump. Flirting and rambling ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dan thinks Phil is trying to jump off a roof so, suicide mention?

"Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound I know the sound of your heart..."

Phil was listening to The 1975 at 3 AM on a Wednesday night. The stars were in their prime and could be seen clear and bright. Phil had always been be fascinated of the infinite expansion of the universe. When it was just him and space, he felt unstoppable. Like he could reach up and grab the stars that could take him on a trip around the universe. His pale hands shone perfectly in the moonlight and reflected his translucent skin wonderfully.

Phil scooted closer to the edge of the roof, his hands holding up his torso. His legs dangled off the roof, yet he wasn't at all scared. He gazed wondrously above, wondering about the deepest, most unknown questions of existence. His thoughts were cloudy and scrambled yet had never been clearer. It was like he was connecting to his essence and absorbing everything around him. Suddenly, his still euphoria was interrupted by a shout from below.

"Get down from there! Whatever you're thinking it isn't worth it! I swear!" Phil looked down to see a guy around his age looking up at him with fear-filled eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about? Just chill," Phil said to the stranger, confused and slightly worried about who this man was.

"What do you mean? You're about to jump off a roof! How could I chill?" The brown haired man from below yelled up to Phil. He seemed to be shaking and was clearly frightened for the boy on the roof.

Phil only chuckled and shook his head lightly. This guy seriously thought he was gonna jump? He was only stargazing.

"Why are you laughing? Can you please get down? You're scaring me." The stranger asked sincerely. His eyes were pleading for Phil to come down to the ground.

"You think I was gonna jump? Sorry to worry you, I was just watching the stars. They're beautiful aren't they?" Phil replied casually. The boy below looked confused then relieved. His eyes now only showed intrigue for the star-watching boy.

"Oh dear God, you scared me so much. I seriously thought you were about to jump and I almost shit myself." He breathed a sigh of relief.

"It's fine," Was all Phil said before he look back up at the stars and resumed his gazing.

"Uh, excuse me?" Phil looked back down at the man, having expected him to leave Phil was confused to why he was still there.

"Yeah?" Phil replied without looking back down.

"Uh... My name is Dan, Dan Howell. Nice to meet you I guess," Dan glanced around nervously and fidgeted with the sleeves of his sweater.

"You guess?" Phil laughs at Dan's clear hesitation. Phil wasn't trying to be condescending towards Dan, oh no. He was just trying to ease the tension between the two boys.

"No no no no no, that's not what I meant. I meant like if you wanted to meet me. Not like that I didn't want to meet y-" Dan started rambling on but Phil stopped him from stuttering on.

"No, I was just joking, sorry. I knew what you meant. You know, you can come up here and join me if you'd like?" Phil asked Dan, finally glancing down to the seemingly small boy below.

"Oh! Really? I mean- yeah! Of course. Sure." Dan seemed shocked at my offer but agreed nonetheless. He disappeared for a minute or two, walking up the fire escape between their two apartments. Soon enough, he stumbled onto the roof and sat next to Phil.

"Hiya there," Dan said as he sat next to the black haired man, crossing his legs next to him and leaning back.

"The name's Philip Michael Lester, at your service!" Phil joked around and fake saluted Dan.

"Nice to meet you Philip," Dan said in an extremely posh tone, he bowed and brought his hand to his lips to resemble someone drinking tea.

"Hey Dan, are you still concerned about my mental health? Am I allowed up here?" Phil said to Dan sassily. Dan could see a faint roll of his eyes, but couldn't be sure.

"Hey! You can't blame me for being worried! It's not everyday you see a person just sitting on a roof! I didn't know what to think!" Dan argued back lightly. He was still chuckling and his eyes seemed to twinkle when he laughed.

"Yeah, sorry about scaring you," Phil said to Dan jokingly with a light smile on his face.

Dan looked over at the boy he was laughing with. His blue eyes reflected gorgeously in the moonlight. His freckles seemed to pop and jump out of his face, sprinkling his nose and cheekbones with orange dots. Phil seemed really beautiful. Not only was he hot, (because hell yeah he was, Dan could see his muscles through his shirt) Phil was just plain beautiful. Like a masterpiece too lovely to be viewed often.

"Do you need something?" Phil asked Dan with a light-hearted tone. Dan seemed to be staring at Phil for hours, even though it had only been minutes, memorized by his beauty.

"No, I was just caught off guard," Dan replied back to Phil, looking down sheepishly.

"By what? Do I have something on my face?" Phil asked the younger boy, confused.

"By you. Your beautiful face caught me off guard," Dan said with a slight smirk in his voice.

"Oh," Was all Phil said before he looked away with a pink tint to his cheeks and a smile on his face.

"Awe, don't look away! You're too pretty not to be looked at," Dan flirted again with Phil. He wasn't going to let this boy out of his sight without getting his number first. Dan nudged Phil with his arm to get his to turn back around. When Phil did turn to face Dan, his entire face seemed to be pink with blush; All the way up to his ears.

"Why do you keep doing that?" Phil asked Dan hesitantly, still slightly confused about his flirting before.

"Keep doing what darling?" Dan asked Phil, the petname making Phil's cheeks a beet red color.

"That." Phil says pointedly.

"What?" Dan asks again, now genuinely confused.

"You. Flirting. I just saw you down there looking like a frightened puppy and now you're like some kind of flirtation machine! What is that?" Phil said to the brown haired boy. Although Phil was slightly confused where the sudden mood change in Dan came from, he wasn't exactly objecting to the flirting.

"Flirtation machine?" Dan said in a amused voice.

"Oi shut up you, that's not the point!" Phil lightly slapped Dan's arm, but continued laughing.

"Hey I can't help it! You're just such an angel bean! I low key want to pinch your cheeks," Dan said in a high pitched and squealing tone; somewhat resembling an excited puppy.

"That sounded really kinky Daniel Howell," Phil said in reply. Dan didn't say anything back, his cheeks heated up and he glanced away.

"Hey look at me Daniel, you're too cute not to be looked at," Phil said in a mocking yet sweet voice.

"Now who's the 'flirtation machine'?" Dan joked with Phil, putting air quotes around 'flirtation machine'.

"Hey, I can't help myself. You're just so cute!" Phil squeezed Dan's cheeks, giving them red finger prints and deep blush.

"If it's any consolation Phil Michael Lester, you are extremely cute too," Dan looked and Phil and smiled brightly. Almost as bright as the stars above them.

"This might be weird but, can I get your number? You're really cute and I'm not missing out on this." Phil said, gesturing to Dan's fit body.

"Why would it be weird?" Dan asked innocently.

"I mean, I'm an awkward person and you would most likely not be interested in because damn, are you out of my league," Phil said exasperatedly.

"I am absolutely, in no way, out of your league Philip Michael Lester," Dan said to Phil, leaning in close, their noses almost touching. Dan wanted nothing more than to kiss the beautiful boy in front of him, but he had to be sure he wasn't hitting on a lost cause.

"Oh really? You seem pretty fucking perfect Dan Howell. How aren't you out of my league?" Phil asked Dan laughing.

"Because," Dan leaned closer to Phil, he could see the millions of colors shining in his eyes. "If I was out of your league," Dan paused again, now only to grab Phil's neck and bring their lips closer. "Would I do this?" Dan connected their lips in a gentle kiss.

After kissing for what felt like years of bliss, Phil pulled away.

"You're so silly y'know?" Phil asked light heartedly. He pecked Dan one last time and laid his head in the crook of Dan's neck.

"Do you still mind the flirting?" Dan said with a cheeky smirk.

"I never really cared," Phil laid down on his back, pulling Dan down with him. They stayed like that for rest of the night, staring to the stars above, careless and free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so short! also I literally forgot I had an AO3 account and I decided to post on here to make it an actual collection! Hope you liked it!


	3. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place in 2012 when Dan is repeatedly questioned about his relationship and sexuality that he can't really take it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long while ago Eden Wood (liketotallyeden on youtube) wrote a song about dan and phil called 2012. I wrote this right after she wrote that song but never posted it on here. This is a song fic!
> 
> TW: homophobia, self-hate, and drinking

Things used to be so much easier when we were so much younger

I denied who I once was because who I once was wasn't me

I remember all the days back in 2009. We had three hour breakfasts, and watched films on your sofa. We were in our own little bubble. Puppy love some called it. Oblivious to all the hate in the world, all the negativity towards our love. Oh what I wouldn't give to have that back.

we once fell in love but now we're just falling 

we were falling and now we're just stalling 

I can't help it. Everyday I see you and it pains me. Once we were loud and happy and together, but now we're just stuck. I don't know what to do Phil. You were always better at relationships than I was. What do we do?

I love you but it hurts to speak out loud 

Everyone tells me what I'm feeling is wrong. I shouldn't be gay. I can't be gay. It's wrong and vulgar. But if it's so wrong, how can this feel so right? My heart isn't wrong. My love isn't wrong. But I no matter how much I want to be heard. I don't speak.

when im speaking though speakers, talking through filters

everything I say just comes out wrong

"God Phil! Get out! I don't need you here! I'm not in love with you!" I yelled and ran out of the house. I couldn't handle this. I can't. It's not fair everyone is constantly telling me what I should and should not be. If that fucking video didn't leak, God... What did I do to deserve this?

The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared

I don't love him. I don't. I can't. It's wrong. It's everyone else's fault! I'm not I'm not gay!

only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up

I can never bare to look at Phil. When we bump into each other at the flat every word out of our mouths is forced. He grits his teeth and clenches his fist. I can't help but flinch. Phil never used to be aggressive. Did I make his like this? Why did me and my stupid feelings have to fuck everything up?

I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine

but you're not longer mine

I hear Phil slam the door to the flat. Probably leaving to get away from me. I wish I could get away from me too. All of these stupid fucking thoughts about Phil buzzing around my head all the time. 

I place my laptop on the ground and lay my head back on my pillows. I lied there for what felt like hours, I only came to my senses when I felt something damp on my cheeks. I didn't realize I was crying. It seems like in the last months I've done everything but cry. Some days I would lash out and yell and kick and scream. Some days I would go to pubs and drink all my thoughts away. Every single brief thought of those beautiful blue eyes would be washed away with cheap liquor and desperation.

I wiped hastily at the tears leaking from my cloudy brown eyes. I want to feel Phil's arms wrapped around me like they used to. I want him to hold me tight and wipe the tears away. But he can't. Because I can't love him and he can't love me.

Sobs rock my body and my lungs convulsed. I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I hold my own arms tight around me, just like Phil would. If he didn't think I hated him. Just the opposite. I hated how much I loved him. Everyone said my love was wrong. I hated it, I hated that my love for you wasn't real to anyone else. I hated that because of my stupid feelings, you're no longer in my arms.

Last night you slammed the door and the wood hitting the wall broke our red string of fate

"Dan! Stop it! Just stop it!" Phil screamed at me, with tear tracks down his face. 

"I'll stop when you stop acting like we can still be friends!" I yelled back. I saw all the color drain from his face and his eyes narrow. He didn't look upset anymore. He looked so angry.

"Stop being friends? What the fuck has gotten into Dan?! What happened to you? Last time I checked you'd be dead without me Dan! How can you treat our relationship like it's nothing Dan?!" Phil yelled harshly.

"Fuck off P-Phil! Don't you u-unders-stand t-this isn't a fucking rel-lationship! I d-don't need you a-anymore!" I yelled with my voice breaking cracking.

"Whatever you say Dan," Phil said flatly, turning around and running back to his room.

you're that little ray of sun that burns me and blinds me with your light.

my candle glows brightly but yours outshines me, blind me with its light

Every morning I woke up, life seemed pointless. My best friend hates me, I hate myself. Everything is fucked. As much as I say I don't, I need Phil. I need him so much. Phil was my light that helped me every second of every day. My entire world is black and lifeless without him. Nothing seems to be important without Phil. The entire world has died because he's gone, and he was my entire world.

I love you but it hurts to speak out loud

when im speaking though speakers, talking through filters

everything I say just comes out wrong

"I hate you I hate you I hate you!"

God, I love you so much Phil it pains me.

"Get out! I hate being with you!"

Please never leave me. I don't know what I would do with myself.

"Why are you still here?!"

Why haven't you left me yet Phil. Gone to someone better, more stable, who's willing to come out and be with their boyfriend in public.

"Get out."

You can do so much better than me Phil. I don't deserve you. Don't let my stupid fucking petty issues drag you down. You're better off without me.

The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared

I remember the day the video leaked. It was all such a blur. You kept apologizing, at first I thought you were crazy, it wasn't your fault the fucking video got released. I told you to stay calm and that everything would blow over. We both knew our excuse "it was just a prank" probably would't work on the fans but we tried anyways. For most of the days after the accident, I was the one comforting you. Seeing you stressed broke my heart and I always tried my best to keep you in good spirits. 

It was like our roles were reversed, you kept being anxious and stressed and I would calm you down and distract us with video games and forts and films.

But after a while, the constant scrutiny of "omg dan r u like a fag!?!1!1" got to me. Suddenly me comforting you turned into me talking harshly about how we just shouldn't film videos together. And that turned into me talking about how we just shouldn't go out in public together. 

And after the last months, I said, maybe we just shouldn't be together.

I hated it, every single word I uttered. Only at the time my brain told myself that I, we, would be better off not dating. The worst fucking mistake of my life.

only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up

I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine

but you're not longer mine

Sometimes I feel like maybe this is all a dream. One day I'll wake up in your arms and you'll kiss my forehead like you used to. We'll cuddle and kiss and be in love just like we used to.

But every single day I wake up, alone. We're in separate bedrooms and we don't even speak. I'm so desperate to get you back yet, everyday, I only push you farther away.

The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared

only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up 

I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine

but you're not longer mine

I hear you sobs through the walls of our flat. All I want to do is go into your room and hug you, make you smile again, hear your loud laugh instead of the wrecking sobs. Your crying is because of me. All your tears and days spent wasting your thoughts on me. It's my fault we became like this. Constantly on edge, slowly breaking and wasting away.

Oh Phil, how I wish you were still in my arms.

little ray of sun, do you think that we are done?

"Phil, we need to talk," I say as I knock on his door.

"Yeah like we haven't been talking for the last 8 months," Phil replies back sarcastically. I don't blame him. If I was Phil, I would punch Dan in the face.

"Phil can I at least come in?" I ask desperately. And I was; I was so desperate to speak to Phil when we aren't screaming or crying. Or sometimes both.

The second I walked in any remark he was about to say got caught in his throat, his face fell and he remained silent.

"Phil, I... I... I don't know what to do," I said, searching for the correct words.

"Neither do I Dan," Phil said quietly, without raising his head or looking me in the eyes.

"I don't want you to leave. God, p-pl-please don't leave me Phil," I said desperately. As if this was my last pleading moment before Phil would get up and walk out of my life forever.

"I would never leave Dan... Its just..." Phil starts.

"Just what?" I look up hurriedly, not knowing where Phil was leading this.

"Just that... is this the end? Of us?" Phil asks, his eyes are gathering tears and he does nothing to stop it.

"I don't know Phil, I don't know. But I hope not," Is all I said before I exited Phil's room and walked into my own.

you're that little ray of sun that burns me and blinds me with your light

my candle glows brightly but yours outshines me, blind me with its light

Phil is my light, and I can't bare to lose him.


	4. Hazel Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is a pianist and Phil writes poetry. Dan and Phil used to date but Dan didn't want to come out so they broke up. One day Phil goes to a musical theater in hope of reading his poems but sees a familiar face with hazel eyes playing a piano.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is this? angst? fluff? pre-smut? fangst? its a mess
> 
> TW: anxiety, stress, yelling, homophobic parents, my terrible writing

Phil was kind of having a shit day.

He woke up late, due to his house being out of power because of the thunderstorm last night. Then he realized that he forgot to get any coffee at the store and he wouldn't have any caffeine for the day. When he got to Starbucks after what seemed like hours in traffic, he spilled his coffee all over his nice white jeans. Phil had to go home and change his jeans, causing him to be even more so late for work.

He was just having a rough morning.

Phil arrived at work 40 minutes late, and after the morning he had, the lecture from his boss was not appreciated. Phil walked to his desk and sat down at his computer. He worked at a office firm, making transactions and doing work for local businesses. It definitely wasn't the worst job, but it made him want to rip out his own eyes with how drabby the office was.

The only reason he did such a job was for the money. He in no way enjoyed accounting and nine to five office cubicle jobs, but it paid his bills.

The thing Phil really enjoyed was poetry and art.

The flexibility and ingenuity of art was unmistakable. Art and poetry spoke to him like no person could. Except one person, but he isn't important right now.

Phil spent all his breaks writing and drawing, delicate flowers and vines snaking up trees. Nature always attracted Phil, it seemed so pure in a world of destruction. Not just the physical beauty of nature, the beauty of its life. Things are born and things die when they're supposed to, nature is all about the way life's path takes you. Things of nature (no matter how much Phil wishes sometimes) are not sentient. They do not chose where they go in life, yet follow the path mother nature destined them. And Phil's a big believer in that.

Destiny.

That's how Phil likes to think his life will get better. Destiny will chose a path that will help him and lead him into a better life. Whether you call it God, karma, the butterfly effect, or just bullshit, Phil liked to think some greater force was guiding him in life.

Phil typed on his computer and input codes for shipping. He heard so people walking around him and all the small noises around him. In such a quiet dull place it's hard not to notice all the small things.

Soon enough he looked at the clock and it was 5:00 PM. He started packing up his bag and goes to the bathroom before he left. He fix his hair and sprayed perfume on his neck. On most days after work he would go to the other side of town and visit the musical theater in hopes of reading his poems. On weekends he would stop by and flirt a little with the guys there, a lot of people at the theater knew him. He was a regular and when he read his poems out loud everyone listened.

After cleaning himself up a bit Phil walked out of the bathroom to be greeted with an almost empty office, he guesses he was in there longer than he planned. Picking up his bag and logging out of his computer, Phil walked out of the drab office. When he arrived outside he breathed in the air but sputtered and coughed. It seemed like on the other side of town the air was always fresh and clean. Over here it was like a town of chain smokers.

Phil caught a taxi and told the driver his address, Phil wanted to go home and change into his cutest lavender jumper and silver earrings. Phil waited for a few minutes in the cab until it came to a halt. He payed the driver and jogged to the front of his apartment building. Phil called himself in and rode the elevator up to his apartment. He got the keys out of his bag and unlocked his front door. He smiled at the scenery, the fluffy white carpet and light blue drapes. He turned on his lamp which cast an almost pink glow on his living room. He walked down the hall into his bedroom to change. Everything in his house was bright, his walls were a delicate cream color and his furniture was pastel and all of his clothes were bright cheery colors.

Phil decorated his house so brightly because in such a dark, dismal world he wanted a place to himself that was a bright as could be. Bright colors made Phil happy for some reason. Like cheeriness could radiate off of them. Yet, Phil absolute favorite thing in his possession, was black.

The dark, sleek, black grand piano in his foyer. That piano held so many precious memories. No matter how much he wanted to get rid of it, he could never bring himself to. It was like he was using the piano as a last desperate attempt to tether to all the good memories he'd once made.

These thoughts were the reason Phil did poetry, he needed a way to express himself and the feelings he was having without doing anything damaging to himself or others. Phil shook his head at all the sad thoughts buzzing around and started to get ready to leave. He wanted to look especially good tonight, it was Friday and Phil didn't exactly want to spend it alone.

Phil dressed himself, re-applied his perfume, fixed the chips in his white nail polish, and was out of the apartment and catching a bus by 6:30.

The ride was boring but Phil didn't care, a boring 15 minutes would be worth it when he got to spend his night at a place he enjoyed where he could express himself. Phil arrived at the music theater around 6:45 and upon walking in he was greeted with sweet smiles and sometimes subtle winks his way.

The mood in the theater was nice, relaxing, clear, it felt like imagination and creativity flowed through the air like a sweet scented candle. It was a mix of a quaint diner and a black box theater. There were dark brown, round, wooden tables in the eatery. Their was a hallway that lead from the diner down to two separate parts of the building. One part was made for the acting, it had costumes and microphones and props and lights and the other part was the music area of the building. In the part designated for music and instruments there were guitars, drums, basses, and lastly, pianos.

Phil always had a fascination with the piano; He didn't understand why, for he couldn't play. The way a person's hands glide gracefully over the keys, so delicately like a choreographed dance with your fingers. It entranced him. 

The angelic sounds a piano made memorized Phil, he couldn't look away. Every song that was play felt like a precious, once-in-a-lifetime experience. He very being was striped away from this world with each soft press of a key.

The room of instruments was fairly large, and was sound proof. It seemed like a very intimate setting to play music. Memories from years ago flashed through his mind. Soft brown hair, smooth, almost baby-like skin. There was a million beautiful things he could name about this person, but only one particular feature mattered. His deep, rich, hazel eyes.

The specks of golden, cascading around his pupils, a showering of cocca, like waves he could swim in. He constantly got lost in those deep, hazel eyes. And he always missed them.

"Dan," was all Phil uttered. He felt speechless in presence of his past lover.

Dan's playing immediately ceased. Phil watched the graceful figure turn around, he caught glimpses of the furrowed eyebrows and perked ears before the other's eyes laid on him.

"Philip, it's you," Dan's posh accent rung out to the empty room. There was quiet. Life seemed to halt as the two men had found their way to each other again.

"Hello Dan," Phil said in a soft voice, feeling as if he spoke too loudly he would shatter this moment, and Dan would leave. He would leave again and never come back.

Dan stepped toward the pastel boy, wanting nothing more than to caress his cheek and bring their lips together after the absence of such things.

"How have you been my dear Philip?" Dan attempted to start a normal conversation, small chit chat, and such. Yet, it was exceedingly difficult to not reach forward and kiss those soft pink lips. 

"Oh I've been good I guess, how about you? Still mastering the piano as always," Phil attempted to chuckle but the tension still held. He glanced down fiddled with the cuffs of his lavender sweater.

"Well? I suppose? I've retained my talents I assume, yet it seems not with me in heart," Phil came accustomed to Dan's way of speaking when they were in a relationship. He was quite fond of his elegant language, the way it flowed off his tongue like water cascading down rocks.

"I remain jealous of your skills even after all these years," Phil joked, but it is was true. Phil secretly envied Dan's talent. So many people respected him and his work, yet Phil was still that crazy college kid with silly dreams.

"You mustn't be serious my Philip! Your way with language, it's beautiful. I am at loss for words every time you speak your art. You can paint and draw as well! My dearest, you cannot legitimately believe your talent is inadequate to mine. You are the most talented human I've ever been graced with meeting," Dan exclamation started Phil out of his thoughts. He listened to what Dan said and found himself blushing by the end.

"Dan you've met Lin Manuel-Miranda! You can't seriously think I'm more talented than him. He's won a freaking Tony for Christ's sake!" Phil retorted.

"Not all those who are unknown are not worth knowing dear Phil," Dan's soft eyes looked into Phil's, instantly causing calm and relief to flow over him.

"Huh?" Phil was listening until Dan had called him Phil. Dan hadn't ever called Phil 'Phil'. It's was always 'Philip' or "My Dearest'. Phil insisted to be called 'Phil' by everyone he met, but he left 'Philip' for Dan and only Dan.

"What is it?" Dan's eyebrows furrowed and Phil had to try to not focus on how cute it was.

"You called me Phil," He said pointedly, "You've never called me that before. Not even when we were dating, why now?" Phil tried his best not to sound crude, yet he was so very very confused. First Dan acts all romantic and sweet, telling him how he's so talented and calling him the pet names he used years ago. Next thing, he's calling Phil by his regular name. 

"Uh, I was just- I thought-" Dan seemed at a loss for words.

"No! It's I was just wondering why. I mean, I kinda liked the pet names, did it seem like I was uncomfortable? Oh God, am I screwing this up?"

"I'm sorry Philip, I've only been in your presence a mere minute or so and I seem to have made you distraught! My apologies if I seemed insincere, I only did not want to over-step my boundaries,"

"Oh, uh... Well, you didn't?" Phil placed the sentence as more of a question. Because it was quite the opposite, Phil had liked the pet-names. He also was kind of happy Dan had called him Philip again.

A look of relief came over Dan's face. "Oh thank goodness my dear! I thought I had displeased you; I am glad to hear that is just the opposite,"

Phil only smiled lightly and glanced toward the ground. He was so happy to be with Dan again, beyond ecstatic, but there was still the lingering question in the air:

Where was this going?

Phil for sure did not want to remain simply friends, he had spent too many years of his live building a friendship with Dan for it to stop progressing. Phil loved Dan with all his heart, it only took a short meeting to have him fall head-over-heels once again.

Phil breathed a sigh of distress, he couldn't think of life with Dan anymore. He was so close, he just wanted to be with him. Life seemed dull without Dan. Yes, it had gotten better in the last year, but he still felt the ache in his chest any time he thought of him.

"Something wrong my love?" Dan questioned Phil's mood when he heard the obvious sigh of stress. When Dan looked over to Phil he saw only a facing down head and deepening frown.

"Oh do not do that do me Philip, you'll make me teary eyed looking at a frown on a face such a beautiful as yours," Dan lifted Phil's chin with his fingers to look him in the eyes, "The only thing that needs to be on that mouth of yours is a smile," Dan said with a grin.

"And your lips," Phil said unexpectedly. Dan looked shocked at Phil's exposition. He however, did not object. Dan brought their lips together softly, cherishing the moment they had, as if they both knew it would end soon.

Dan moved his hand to Phil's Hip, lifting up his shirt in the slightest and tugging at Phil's clothes. Phil moved is mouth to Dan's neck and peppered kisses while Dan let out soft moans. By this time Phil had backed up Dan to the piano bench and was leaning Dan back on it. They were in their own world until Dan, in an attempt to stop himself from falling, put his hand back on the piano. Which resulted in a large startling jumble of notes.

Dan and Phil jumped apart with frightened looks. The looked fretfully at each other, unsure of what to do or what just happened. Phil was the first to step forward and take Dan's hand in his.

"Wanna go back to mine babe?" Phil said softly. He looked at Dan for consent, needing to know if there was any part of the other that was uncomfortable with what they were doing. He pecked his cheek and gripped Dan's hand tightly in his.

"Definitely," Dan said, almost breathlessly. He kissed Phil once again, holding on onto him, scared of letting go again. Phil led him by the hand out of the music room, through the café, and out to the street.

"Taxi!" Phil waved down the cab and got in with Dan. The ride seemed entirely too long, especially with Dan practically sitting on top of him and letting his hand drift a little too far up his leg.

It was 15 minutes later that the pair stumbled into the apartment building, not drunk off alcohol, but anxious to get their hands on each other.

Phil opened the door to his apartment and led Dan up through the foyer, not wanting to stop for anything.

Phil's thoughts of want and blurred lust and halted by Dan's words.

"You still have it,"

Dan ran his hands along the top of the sleek black piano, eyes cloudy.

"I couldn't get rid of it," was all Phil said before he took Dan and spun him around to meet his lips. The kiss was rushed and heated, both men desperate for each other after so long.

The two hastily made their way to the bedroom, Phil letting Dan fall beneath him, kissing softly and gently.

"Are you sure about this? You aren't drunk or anything? How far do you want to go?" Phil was concerned, concerned Dan was kidding about all of this. About wanting Phil again, about missing him. Phil was worried Dan would push him off and leave him in the dust again.

"I'm sure, I promise I'm sure Philip. Now please," Dan panted beneath him.

"Of course love," Phil looked at Dan's eyes, desperate and familiar. He was almost positive this was a bad idea.

~~~~~time skip to the morning they had sex wow (btw it was soft and vanilla and gentle bc they missed each other and it was very love filled)))~~~~~~

Phil woke up and the first thing he did was reach for the brown haired boy next to him.

But the bed was empty.

Phil sat up, looking around for Dan, his clothes, a wallet, anything that would prove he was here and it wasn't some wonderful dream.

Phil was positive he wasn't drunk last night. He remembered every single detail like it was ingrained in his memory.

He got out of bed and went to his dresser to put on some boxers. Once he was dressed semi-decently, he walked into his living room, searching for Dan. If their past relationship was any indication, the moment Dan awakes he's usually playing the piano or watching the telly. Phil heard neither noise and was at a loss for where Dan was. 

Next Phil walked into the kitchen doorway, glancing around and was only met with a small, almost unnoticeable scrap of paper on his counter.

Phil rushed over, skimming the letter, needing to know this instant where his Dan had run off to, yet again.

The letter read, "You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness independent of the caprice of others. You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent. Goodbye Philip, My Love,"

Phil's phone was out in an instant, calling Dan, needing to know if he was alright. The contact rung three times before it asked Phil to leave a voicemail. Tears built in his eyes, he had only just gotten Dan back. He can't lose him again.

In this moment of haste and fear Phil did the only thing he knew how to do. Write.

Write about his past, his love, his loss, his confusion. His need for Dan. The emptiness he feels away from him. The poem may have been rushed, and desperate, but it felt raw.

He has spent the last months of his life trying to forget Dan, using every tactic he could think of to ignore the gaping hole in his heart. But when every eye you look into, you think of soft brown. When every time you smell deep rich coffee, all you think of is early morning cuddles on the sofa. Phil knew he couldn't fool himself anymore.

Phil had convinced himself he didn't miss any of those things, but last night, being so so close with Dan made him remember everything. And he misses all of it.

He needs Dan back, and this is his only way.

Once he thinks it's done, Phil doesn't hesitate throwing on the first pastel sweater he sees and his black skinnies. He combs throw his hair with his fingers, realizing he probably stinks of sweat and sex from the night before. Agitated and in a rush, Phil throws off his clothes again, and gets into the shower quickly. Once washing his body, Phil notices a hickey under his clavicle and blushes. Thinking of Dan only reassures himself more of what he needs to do.

After the quick shower he smells significantly better, he puts back on his clothes as fast as possible. He only has time to grab his wallet, phone and keys before he's out the door and rushing to the theater cafe. The cab ride there seems an eternity, his only thoughts on Dan, how to get him back.

Once arriving, Phil practically threw the money at the cab driver. He wanted to get inside as quick as possible. It felt like every second Dan was slipping farther and farther away, until he wouldn't be there anymore.

He stood in the doorway, suddenly overcome with anxiety. What will Dan do? Will Dan even be there? This is a terrible idea. Fuck fuck fuck.

No. This is for Dan. He needs him. He loves him. This is right.

He slowly opens the door to the theater. Phil glances around, and sees the familiar faces he has grown accustomed to. He recognized everything around him, yet, it was all so distant. Usually, the sweet vanilla and mocha smell would warm his tummy, making him feel at home. But now, Phil just wanted to vomit.

He looked to the empty stage, seeing no person at the microphone, he walked up. People glanced his way, only looking. Never greeting. It was as if Phil's happy aura was gone, the light had gone out and he was desperately searching for it.

Just before walking up the steps, he looked around. He glanced at every face in the building. Some new, some old, but one stood out before all others. When Dan and Phil's eyes met, the entirety of the theater seemed to go silent. Maybe it was just Phil's feeling he got when he looked at Dan. That they were drifting away, alone, in their own little world.

Phil got up to the mic and coughed lightly, getting everyone's attention.

"Um, excuse me? Uh, I fucked up a little, and everything has been a bit of a mess and I didn't know what to do besides write this shitty poem. Take what you will from it, there's only one person I'm here for anyways,"

"Why did you leave? Why did you think leaving me way okay? All over again? This empty feeling feels all too familiar. I hate it. When I held you again, it was like I could breathe. And you kissed me, and it was as if the world was broken, and we were the only things keeping it together. You gripped me so tight that I thought me might meld together, and I don't think I would've minded. Then I wouldn't be alone again.

"Why did you leave? Was it because of me? Did you think I was using you? Because you should know, You are so much more than your body. Yeah, feeling you was amazing and beautiful, but I- I could never just leave you. You are beauty, and complexity and flowers growing through winter, and the smell of home after a trip, and you, you are home. I could never just use you. Using implies something's worth no longer matters. That couldn't be farther from the truth. You will always matter. My thoughts will always be of you. I will be on my deathbed and I will still miss you. You never seem to stop me from falling in love with you. Don't you know what you do to me?

"And yes, I do know the opinion you entertain of mankind. I wish to tell you that happiness can be be attained without being dependent of another. But that doesn't mean you must push all away. I hope you know that it seems that I hold a special place in my heart for you, and a separate piece for the public. I am reserved for you and you only. I am also aware this isn't much of poem, but more of a letter. So please, please know that I miss you. And wish to hold you close again. Please allow me a place in your life, because I've already made a place for you."

Phil wiped at his eyes lightly, feeling the slight wetness gliding down his cheeks. He could hear faint claps and snapping in the background but quickly remembered the real reason he came here. Phil looked up quickly, eyes snapping to Dan's seat. It was empty. Panic rose in Phil's chest. He looked out the windows and saw a figure in a small grey hoodie passing in front of the windows. He practically jumped off the stage haste, chasing after Dan.

Dan was a couple feet ahead of him when he started shout his name.

"Dan! Dan! Where are you going?! Dan?! Dan-"

"Just quit it Philip! Stop chasing after me! I'll just leave again and hurt you! Why can't you realize this is for the best?!" Dan yelled angrily. His shouting could probably be heard from the theatre, but at this moment Phil couldn't bring himself to care.

"Dan you don't have to live alone! I- Fuck- Dan, I love you so fucking much. Please stop pushing me away! Why are you doing this? Dan! Please don't run away from me!"

"What the fuck was that stunt you just pulled? We meet again, have sex, I leave, and then you go and pull that shit? How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that? Philip, just stop it! Stop chasing after me! I'm not asking you to!" Dan's voice sounded broken and hoarse, and tears were gleaming in his eyes.

"I went after you because I care Dan! I care about you and I want you in my life! So please, if you want me in yours, stop running away!" Phil shouted back, starting to get frustrating with Dan's attitude.

"Running away? Running away?! Phil, I left because if I fucking stayed my parents would never let me see them again! I'm so sorry all of us don't having amazing parents who don't give a shit about who you love, mine aren't so accepting. Why can't you understand that?"

"Why can't you understand that yeah, they're your parents, but you don't need them in your life! Why do you deal with them when you could just leave?" Phil was utterly confused as to why Dan continued to talk to his parents. Dan knew that if he came out they would hate him, but he doesn't even live with them! He could just drop them and never deal with them ever again if he wanted!

"Because they're family Phil! And at this moment, they don't hate me, and I would like to keep it like that as long as possible!" Dan was screaming at this point, completely fed up with Phil.

Phil's eyes were filled to the brim with tears, he looked like the air was beat out of him. His voice was broken and small, almost inaudible.

"I thought... We were family?"

Dan's eyes were open with shock, his mouth agape.

"Yeah, I mean, we were but-"

"What are you going to do when you get older Dan? When you meet someone, even if it's not me, and you want to marry them? Do you think you'll just magically become straight if you wait long enough Dan? Why do you keep waiting around for your parents? I've been around them Daniel, and they just constantly belittle you! You deserve so much better then them, but whenever you meet someone you love, you push them away because of your parents! Why?" Phil's voice was soft now, but still loud. Phil just wanted Dan to realize how much of life he was missing out on because of his dumb parents.

"Phil it's not like that-" Dan's voice had now lowered too, but it still had a sense of anger embedded within.

"Than how is it? I just want you to be happy Dan. I've seen you with your parents, you shrink and lower your voice, and don't smile as bright, or laugh as loud. You clearly hate it with them, so why do you push away people who love you for you?" Phil's voice was simply tired. He was tired of people mistreating Dan. He was tired of Dan pushing him away. He was just tired. Phil just wants the best for Dan. Why can't Dan see that?

"Why are you even doing this Philip? What do you have to gain by kicking my parents out of my life and leaving me with no one? Because yeah, they might be homophobic but they're always there. They haven't left. Unlike everyone else," Dan was now somber, his shoulders starting to droop, his aggressive facade fading away.

"Dan if you would just let me in I promise, I won't leave. As I said before, I have already made a place in my heart for you. Dan, you are my sun and moon. I cannot seem to ever not miss you. I wish, my Dear Daniel, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you,"

"Don't you wish to leave Philip? Aren't I trapping you? Is my perpetual fear of my parents making you wish it that we never met?" Dan's dry voice mimicked Phil's of a moment ago; Empty, tired, somber, and monotone.

"No Dan, because I can tell that as long as you're with them, you aren't happy; And I would never leave you like that. I love you so fucking much Daniel James Howell, please trust me on that," Phil was pleading in this moment, begging for Dan to come back and let Phil hold him in his arms.

"You aren't going to leave? Ever?" Dan slowly walked towards Phil. Eyes regaining the subtle shine he loved so much. In the mist of the dark London night, his hazel eyes twinkled like a thousand galaxies, each more beautiful and complex than the last.

"I Promise, nothing is going to stop me from being with you. Whether it be your parents, or fame, or careers, or anything of the sort, I will always put you first Dan," Phil reached towards Dan's hand, grasping it firmly and intertwining their fingering together.

"Why?" Dan muttered softly, leaning into Phil's touch and wrapping a hand around his waist.

"Because I love you, so so much," Phil brought their lips together on that empty London street corner. He kissed Dan with the passion of all the missed months, of all the resentment he felt of Dan's parents, of the joy he felt being close to him. Phil felt Dan grab his shirt and pull his closer, not of the way of last night, with clothes being discarded and lust-filled kisses. Dan grabbed Phil to remind himself that yes, Phil was there. They were kissing and were possibly together again. Dan didn't have to deal with his parents anymore, only needing Phil.

Phil pulled back from the kiss slowly, catching his breath. Hands still intertwined with Dan's, he brought them up to his lips softly and kissed them.

"What are we going to do Philip?" Dan's voice was distressful. Fearing really that Phil would simply consider friendship, or 'friends with benefits' (though Dan doubted it.

"Whatever you wish to be My Love, although I wish that we could start dating again? I miss you every single day of my life. I want to wake up every morning and warp my arms around you and kiss your forehead. I have missed far too many days with you already," Phil's tone was soft and sweet, just like Dan remembered. It was like getting cuddled or wrapped in warmth with words. 

"I want the same thing Philip, although, that sounds a bit more like marriage than simply dating," Dan let out a soft chuckle. Of course he was joking, but the idea of marrying Philip was extremely appealing. 

"I'll think about it," Phil winked and brought his and Dan's lips together once more. The feeling of being so close with Dan was so wonderful, almost without words. He couldn't imagine a life without Dan. 

So maybe they're on the same page.


End file.
